At a loss

My frustration with the situation at work is metamorphosing into anger. Not coincidentally, my sunny outlook dims a little more at the monthly Board meetings. This month's concluded a half hour ago. I want to tell you the whole story, but that's part of my problem. I think it would come across as whining about difficulties everyone faces at their place of employment from time to time. But that's not really the case, and I know it.

I am utterly alone. It's not a woe-is-me-I have-no-friends type of alone. It's more like I'm on a ship with a breached hull and it's slowly sinking. Not only am I the only one trying to patch the holes, but I'm dealing with fellow passengers standing idly by with a deer-in-the-headlights look, while another is intent on making the situation worse before he leaves in the one lifeboat.

I don't want to call bullshit because I would prefer to remain professional and diplomatic around the true decision makers. But I can't just sit back like the others and not say a word. And when I do speak up, drawing everyone's attention to issues that are either conveniently ignored or were not even considered, I receive zero support. And I hate that.

Tonight was bad. My last day as a VISTA is June 25. I had already extended my term of service through the end of May; I decided one additional month was all I could commit to while still accommodating both of my graduate school options. Keeping in mind I have already more than fulfilled my year of service, I was asked this evening how I would be able to contribute to the organization after I leave Mission. In other words, 19 months of free labor is not enough.

I do see this as a compliment; in fact, I received much praise during tonight's Board meeting. Unfortunately, it was a three-hour long meeting and we hadn't even started my agenda - or, more appropriately, the items left off of the official agenda that I wanted to talk about. They are all contentious issues; however, they're not going to just resolve themselves. There's no such thing as ignoring something long enough to make it go away.

I'll skip the details that require a long backstory. But the meeting did conclude with the executive director clearly stating he didn't care about the ramifications of his decisions now because he won't be around to deal with them. (He already plans to leave the organization in a few months.) And trust me, there will be consequences.

It literally took my breath away to hear what I already knew to be true. And if that wasn't enough, one of the Board members laughed. I actually had to say, "That's not funny," in response.

So, let me get this straight. The administrative leader has no concept of leaving a legacy for those who will follow him. He'll continue to make decisions detrimental not only to the organization, but to its service population as well. The Board is silent (save for the occasional giggle, evidently). And I'm the one who's supposed to chip in from a distance, whether it's from the other end of the state or a time zone away. Does that sound about right?

I was warned when I moved here by someone active in the community it's a reservation phenomenon for those willing to lend a hand to be completely taken advantage of. And her premonition was correct. See, there's a core group of people here who are involved in every aspect of civic life. The upside to this dynamic is it's easy for a newcomer to get involved in a cause or grab the ear of the local decision makers. However, the message that's communicated, either purposely or subconsciously, is "What more can you give?"

The worst part for me though is the lack of camaraderie. It's absolutely maddening to not have that one person who knows, who really knows, what I'm going through. I confident I'm not delusional, especially when comments are made, like the ones this evening, and there isn't that one rational explanation I just so happened to have missed. But it's still hard not to have that corroboration, that knowledge I haven't completely lost my mind (yet).